on toughening up and pointlessness

There's been these discussions in my life lately of how pointless fashion blogs/my blog/blogs are in general, and for some reason it's really gotten under my skin. Not sure why, but there you go. The conclusions that I have come to from those musings are these: I need to get a thicker skin, and not give a damn what people think; and yes, they/you are right, my blog is completely and totally pointless.

But I really don't care, because I like it. I like looking at the pictures I've posted, I like posting new pictures, I like writing about silly bullshit like my emotions, I like reading some responses that I get. I guess I've realized that this is more a place for me to document my own compilations of things that inspire/interest/bother/gross me out, so that I can see them in a nice pretty row. I like that. I like seeing that I have readers too, because it fuels the narcissistic delusion that complete strangers give a fuck about what I think is aesthetically pleasing/what I look like/my emotions.

The boyfriend thinks the blog world is creepy. I sort of think so too. It's like we're all either lonely and unsatisfied with our real lives so we have to create this fantasy world of web friends and a cyber personality, or we want to feel famous and known for something. I may or may not feel either of these ways. I think what I want is to project my thoughts and musings into the world and have people listen to them, and pay attention. Of course, not many people do, and for that I am thankful. If they did I would feel self inflated and grandiose. At the same time I am like, fuck you, look at me! I'm just as awesome as all these other people in the world! So I guess that's why I still have this blog, and still post these posts.

The point of this story is, I need to get the fuck over myself, and learn to deal with the haters. If you enjoy my blog, good, I am happy that some part of me can make some part of you think, or be inspired, or even continue your comatose addiction to the streams of repetitive "fashion" blogs suffocating our cyberspaces. If you don't like my blog, me da igual, I don't give a shit, if you don't like it, don't look at it. And, in all honestly, my blog has no content of importance, but I don't give a damn, I am going to keep on writing like I'm writing, and picking photos that I like, and posting here, because I like playing with the narcissist in me.

And to top off this post, here is an unintentionally brooding photo of me in a bathtub, with a french beer.

a blog full of no content

And so many thoughts swirling around in my head. Thinking about things that have been said to me, people that I've seen, cruel words, kind words, questions, aspirations, commitments, failures, what it is that I really want. 

Maybe I am not focused enough, maybe I want more solidity in my life. I am feeling (again) like I want to start my own life, I want my own apartment and my own garden and my own kitty and my own lover, I want to make things with my hands, to feel grounded and content, to feel like I have an anchor to my life, to not feel like a child, depending on other people any more. 

But at the same time I am so happy with what I have here, Spain, my ever increasing and improving Spanish, the friends I have made that I will have for forever, the freedom, the carelessness of being almost 21 and sexy. The growing realization that it is incredibly true that the more I see, the less I know. I am yearning, yet again, for what I do not have, and I am forgetting to step back and survey all that I do have. What I have is a brain in my head, muscles in my body, and a heart in my chest, and soles on my feet, and with these things I am content. 

I will always strive, for one thing or for another, but right now, what needs to be striven for is the nourishing of that peace that is found in the nooks and crannies of my body, the recesses and labyrinths of my soul, the steady beating of my heart, because fear is taking over me, and this I cannot tolerate.

...you should go read apricot tea...

I want to be a hippie with a pretty little teepee

not really sure where these come from...I had them all saved on my computer. I guess I'm serious about this hippie bullshit, I just bought a pretty vintage hippie skirt (one of the long long ones) on etsy. dios mío.

on a tangental note, fashion week(s) make me want to kill people, and so does erin wasson. shut the fuck up about her already.

also, sarah palin (the fucking cunt) looks shockingly similar to my stepmother, leading me to believe that inherently evil people all look the same.

but anyway, ☮ & ♥

Away we go

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So I'm packing for my year* long adventure in Europe, and I'm so at a loss as to what to bring.

I mean, I'm trying to pack an entire year's worth of clothes into a (huge) backpack, and a (tiny) rolling suitcase.

I know I should only bring the bare minimum-the necessities, you know, but fuck, is a faux fur coat not a necessity?

Plus, where the hell am I going to put my shoes?

To increase the dilemma, I'm planning to spend precisely 24 days working on an organic farm...so that means I have to bring work clothes....

I have a feeling that I'm going to end up like this girl...

*year long is tentatively hopeful, I'm planning on being an Au Pair in Spain for at least six months, hopefully nine...then I want to travel all over Europe until my bank account says "no more!!"

Fuck Mondays

(all I am wanting is for my life to be as free and easy as this picture...)

There is a lot of shitty, shitty shit going on in my life right now.

And it's Monday, and it's all piling up on me.

I'm mad, and frustrated, and scared, and I need another fucking job.

I am panicking.

I'm moving to Europe in less than four months and I have a fraction of the money that I need in order for me not to die the second I get there...

UGH.

FUCK.

It's also killing me that my boy and I have less than four months to be together. Who knows if we'll decide to try a long distance relationship (between Germany and Scotland) or if we'll just call it quits in the end of August. But right now it doesn't matter in the least, it just breaks my heart to know that we have an end date- that we don't have forever to have what we have right now.

Sorry to rant....but I miss you guys and I need some words from you all.

5 Things I Hate On A Tuesday

YAAAY 5 things I hate is back! And I'm full of spite to boot!!

1. I hate when eyeliner doesn't go on right. HATE IT. Especially when I'm trying to do a cat-eye; however, I've been practicing lately, and I think I'm doing pretty well:

(apologies for the terrible lighting (I'm at work...) and the awful hair. I hate my hair today too...)

2. Cold tea. Isn't it just the worst thing in the universe to make yourself a steaming cup of tea, leave it to cool, and come back to a cup of tepid tea? I hate it.

(this has nothing to do with tepid tea, but it's so effing cute. It's from here.)

3. Freezing cold toes. Last night I thought my toes were going to fall off they were so cold, even though they were buried under lots and lots of blankets. 

(this also has nothing to do with this hate, but it came up in my flickr search for 'messy bed covers' and i thought it was cool...so...)

4. Not being in New York City. It's getting to me...

(this was taken in my home in New York when I lived there. Spot the subway map in the background? That's from New York too.)

5.  I hate that this guy is not my boyfriend:

(even though he's like, 35...oh, also, the photo is from here, which is basically an amazing place)

The end.

5 Things I Hate On A Tuesday

I'm making this post a weekly one, as per the suggestion of the wonderful Betsey. 

1. I hate generalizations, especially in regard to gender and race. I'm gonna get all sociologist and über liberal on your asses right now- warning given. Firstly, I have a problem with people dividing gender into two categories. We are so socialized to only think in terms of 'man' and 'woman', a habit that I struggle with, and think about very often. But this is a tangent. Read more about it here. Given this- I hate it when people generalize about what women like, or care about, or are hardwired to do, and vice versa, in regards to men. This annoyance in me applies to the generalizations made about certain races as well- generalizations which beg the question of what race exactly is. In my understanding, all humans are of the same race, homo sapiens. Race then, should not be something that divides, it should be a force with which to unite all people, of all regions of the globe.  I could go on and on and on, but I want to get onto my next topic of hate.

(.)

 

2. I hate sore shoulders. My shoulders get mo'fucking sore all the time and I don't know why and I really hate it.

(this is from my computer somewhere. sorry for not crediting)

3. Big Corporate Money. I loathe big huge corporate money, and large corporations in general. I'm so anti-consumerist capitalism I should probably be a communist. 

4. Sarah Palin. I'm sorry, I just really, really, really fucking HATE this broad. A lot.

5. I hate the word 'moist'. It really grosses me out. If I could find a picture of the word moist I would post it- but I can't. 

This is a rather lackluster list. I'm not feeling very sardonic today. It's a rather optimistic Tuesday in fact.

LOVE YOU ALL.

Amanda Palmer and underwear

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(google images)

Recently I've been really into the Dresden Dolls, and Amanda Palmer's solo stuff-it's just so dark and cabaret-ish. I love it. I also love everything having to do with Fairy Goth Mother. It's just fun and fabulous. I want a corset now. 

I LOVE YOU.

5 Things I Want On A Thursday

I'm on a roll with these effing lists...

1. To age like Lauren Hutton:

(from here and here)

2. To live in Brooklyn 

(from google images)

3. To be published in this lovely publication.

4. 

'nough said.

5. Tea sets. I love little dainty pieces of china tea sets, especially if they have pretty flowers on them, and yummy tea in them...

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And as always, I love you.

5 Things I Hate On A Tuesday

(...in no particular order...)

1. Erin Wasson. 

I hate that bitch. I hate her face, I hate the words that come out of her mouth, I hate the way she's so 'messily chic'. I hate her, and wouldn't mind if she fell out of a helicopter into shark infested waters off the coast of Siberia.

 

2. Sarah Palin. We already know how I feel about this cunt. Enough said.

3. Fashion. I fucking hate fashion. I hate rules in general, and when rules are applied to an art form (i.e. what you should wear on wednesday evenings when you are going to weave baskets, drink cocktails with bruce willis and then attend your best friend's wedding) I pretty much lose it. I like clothes. I like art. I like the combo. I hate fashion. 

 

Who cares?

4. The suburbs. What the fuck is the point of suburbia? Other than people being greedy and thinking it's their right to own land (hello-manifest destiny should not still be playing a part in our society, but that's another rant altogether...) there is absolutely no reason for it. Oh, other than provide an easy route to class divisions, racism, crime, and excess babies. 

5. Misspelling and the misuse of grammar and punctuation. UHHHHHHG it drives me CUHRAYZAY!!!!! 

Sometimes I just need some goddamned cynicism.