And so many thoughts swirling around in my head. Thinking about things that have been said to me, people that I've seen, cruel words, kind words, questions, aspirations, commitments, failures, what it is that I really want.
Maybe I am not focused enough, maybe I want more solidity in my life. I am feeling (again) like I want to start my own life, I want my own apartment and my own garden and my own kitty and my own lover, I want to make things with my hands, to feel grounded and content, to feel like I have an anchor to my life, to not feel like a child, depending on other people any more.
But at the same time I am so happy with what I have here, Spain, my ever increasing and improving Spanish, the friends I have made that I will have for forever, the freedom, the carelessness of being almost 21 and sexy. The growing realization that it is incredibly true that the more I see, the less I know. I am yearning, yet again, for what I do not have, and I am forgetting to step back and survey all that I do have. What I have is a brain in my head, muscles in my body, and a heart in my chest, and soles on my feet, and with these things I am content.
I will always strive, for one thing or for another, but right now, what needs to be striven for is the nourishing of that peace that is found in the nooks and crannies of my body, the recesses and labyrinths of my soul, the steady beating of my heart, because fear is taking over me, and this I cannot tolerate.
...you should go read apricot tea...